Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Randomize
