I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
