hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
