I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
