Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
