Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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