Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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