Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
