Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
