I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
