I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
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Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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