I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
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She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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