Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
