I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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