I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
