Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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