she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
