Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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