Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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