i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
