I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
