she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
