if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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