I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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