pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
