she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
