I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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