I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
