oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
