Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
