the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
