Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
