Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
