after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
