And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
