he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Two words: blizzard sex
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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