so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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