apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
