God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
