If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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