Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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