I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
