Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
