I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
