Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
