Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
