when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i wish my penis had a tongue
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
