dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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