if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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