i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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