Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
