that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
