Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
