my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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