She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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