I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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