Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
