even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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