so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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