I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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