They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
