After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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