Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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