I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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